:: QueenZviLLe ::

|lacking sleep|

|Baby Boy by Beyonce ft Sean Paul|

|waiting for his call|

im feeling a little too emotional, but i dont feel like showing it.. im moving out today.. the feeling is quite ambivalent, i want to but i dont want to... i feel so down.. i feel like i'll be all alone although im wont be.. im finding it hard to really get to what im feeling, its so hard to explain it.. but one thing is for sure, I FEEL SOO DOWN today... im going to miss my sisters, my mom and my dad (a bit).. and im going to miss my computer!! although i'll be home on weekends like what i used to do before, it will take me time to get used to this set up again.. *sigh*

i see a lot of stress and headaches coming my way in the next couple of days - from school, finance problems, people around, *sigh* i think i think too much!! (im just surprised that my brain hasnt over loaded yet! i think its my paranoia that is striking again.....

i told mariela yesterday that she should start looking/training for another manager coz im not planning on staying at Harvey's for long.. in fact, im hoping to quit in less than two months... i wont survive with the rate they give me, its not enough to keep me going... and i'd rather work in a setting where i can apply my nursing skills, but above all, something that would pay me better ofcourse.

mom and my tita have been going house-hunting since yesterday.. they're eyeing this place right infront of Savage Road in Newmarket.. As for me, i dont really care where they buy the house as long as my mom and my tita are in two separate houses soon!!

my dad is going to Wonderland tomorrow.. poor dad, nobody wants to go with him... sheryll is working tomorrow, mom wants to stay at home and jenny is not interested.. i think my dad has gone addicted driving his van that's why he kept going to so many unreasonable places..

Back To School Blues :: *sigh* i really wish that i could keep up with my goals for this semester.. i cant afford to fail any subjects and worse, repeat any semesters...

|exhausted|

|sleepy|

i just finished updating my site again! i took advantage of my remaining free time to its max before school starts.. school load will definitely eat up most of my time in the next upcoming months.. *sigh*... speaking of few months, in a few months time i could be an RN already.. sheesh!

desktop PC or laptop? i still havent decided which one i would buy.. i gotta think wisely coz i dont want to waste my money..

i found a PSW job posted in the newspaper yesterday.. Im gonna send in my resume.. i also asked my mom if she could drop in a resume of mine to her hospital since they are in need of part time PSW as well..

im really tired now.. i better be hitting the bed now..

|moving out day|

|listening to Hard to say Im Sorry by Az Yet|

|emotionless|

im getting too addcited updating my site(s) every now and then...

im debating whether to buy a desktop PC or a laptop... i found this great sale offer at MDG.ca.. it's a "dont pay fro siz months" offer on approved credit, which is good for someone like me who's broke... i'd like to get a laptop for the reason being it is convenient and i can bring it anywhere... desktop, uhmm... i like it too, but its not convenient although it is much more practical.... sheesh! now im confused, i dont know what i should buy...

i saw this written in the women's washroom yesterday at Harvey's:

"If something is wrong and everyone is doing it
does that make it right?"

quite a thought i would say...

looks like mon and i will be staying at Bathurst and Wilson.. its an advantage to me, closer to the subway and amenities are very accesible..

lunch time..... i'll be back..

|just woke up...|

|not in the mood|

i and my sisters are going out to chill somewhere later while the real estate agent is around to see the house.. not my kinda thing coz i'd prefer to stay here in the house and just surf the net, but what the heck, i might as well go to cool myself a bit from the anger i feel towards my tita....

|exhausted and hungry|

|

at my tita|

|watching MTV 2003 music awards and Temptation Island 3|

im so mad at my tita today... she's toOoOo much!! a real estate agent is coming over our house tomorrow to assess the house and to see how much it can be sold in the market.. earlier today my mom and i had kept ourselves busy cleaning the house, vacuuming, etc.. but the minute my tita came home from work this afternoon, she started cleaning the entire house AGAIN... i found that very rude!! she is ALWAYS never satisfied with the way we clean her house.. i dont mind if she's not satisfied with how i do my work.. what bothers me is she's not satisfied with my mom's work.. poor mom, she's always been complaining of how tired she is keeping up with my tita's standards, and how stress this has always made her feel.. mom has always wanted to move out of my tita's house and have our own place, BUT my tita wont let us spend money on rents... she prefers that we buy our own house.. see, the usual scenario has always been like this: my mom thinks of a plan and has to wait for my tita's approval, in whatever aspect, be it her choice of job, place to buy a house, etc... and if my tita doesnt agree, then forget about the plan.... ugh! right now i wish like i was non-existent here in the house.. i tried be cold with my tita, but i couldnt help it... i see my mom stressing out and it just makes me more mad at her!

anyways.......

i went to school today to get my schedule as well as to know where i will be going for my clinical placement... and i get to go to Toronto Western Hospital (again).. I have a feeling (but quite uncertain) that i'll be on the same floor as i was last semester... that's ok, i dont mind.. Im not sure what our schedule is going to be like for the rest of the semester, but this is what our schedule's going to be like in the first 2 weeks:

Mondays to Wednesdays :: hospital / clinical

Thursdays to Fridays :: school / classes

I also went to school today coz I was hoping that my OSAP was ready, but it wasnt... it will be ready instead from sept. 2 onwards, atleast that's what the school is hoping....

I also bought my module and selective reading book.. i saw a package of drug/medicine index cards at the book store for $62.. it's quite costly, but i wanna buy one.. it will be worth it, since with that, i wont need to bring my entire drug book to the hospital.. i can just bring index cards of drugs that i will be needing in a day's rotation...

i have a feeling that this semester is going to be tough! i really need to take things seriously... i've planned on working just weekends now.. actually, i've come up with a list of my goals for this semester:

.:. no more PROCRASTINATION <--- a biggie!

.:. devote as much TIME as possible on studies, reviewing notes and reading ahead of class

.:. no more coming late to classes

.:. no more day dreaming in classes

.:. work should be strictly on Fridays and Saturdays only!

.:. Sundays are ~~strictly~~ DAY-OFF days (Ooppss.. not all the time ofcourse, ehehe!)

.:. find a PSW job - or should i say a better paying (part-time) job!

.:. budget allowance wisely <--- major factor!

uhmm? what else have i missed? i think i've mentioned everything... i'll try my best to keep up with these.. i've always wanted to have my goals listed during every semester coz i know if i just keep these goals written in my mind, i tend to ignore them and forget them eventually, just like my New Year's Resolution..

another Temptation Island.... i find couple who join these shows crazy and nuts! i'd die in jealousy if i and my boyfriend were in this show!

something funny! --->

apparently this is my kabarkada's signature in ust-boards..

*yawning* oh boy, im really tired now and sleepy.... i think i'll drop dead asleep the minute i hit the bed!

It's simpler to do than to explain. If you take the law into your own hands, family and close associates may be resentful. Innovative short cuts aren't worth much when you have to keep retracing your steps.

last night before i went to sleep, i sent mon some mushy-but-true-to-my-feelings messages.. i dont think that he took my messages seriously, he sort of just shrugged them off.. he phoned me up this morning and said that i think too much.... maybe he didnt understand what i was trying to point out, or maybe he just didnt want too be too emotional at this time of the day??

mom and jenny are going to Upper Canada Mall this morning to buy jenny's shoes and probably some stuffs... i wish i was still a kid so that my mom would still buy me my things... i wanted to go with them actually, but surprisingly i felt a little unbivalent (?)... going out with them would not do me any good when im broke... it would only kill me!!

|just got home from work|

|very exhausted, sleepy|

|realizing that im broke|

|watching boy meets world|

work was not that bad tonight.. it was dead during my first 3 hours but after that, the time went by so fast, i didnt even have the chance to sit and relax! no pressure today, no BIG BOSS, just me and julie <--- the perfect environment to work in!

mon and i had the shortest converstaion ever over the phone today ----> 4 minutes and 9 seconds! <---- world record!! he was busy at work during the day while i was busy at work during the evening.. and when i was finally free, he was sleeping already... oh well..

*yawning* im too sleepy...

im going to school tomorrow.. im kinda excited to know which hospital i'd be doing my clinical at, but im not too psyched to travel all the way to school for 1 hour and 30 minutes.. and that's just one way!!

*yawning* im too sleepy.. i better hit the bed.....

|chatting with kath|

|listening to Crazy in Love by Beyonce and 50cent |

|checking my email|

|reading posts from my ust-batch's site|

i've kept myself busy today from the moment i woke up by updating my site.. somehow ive grown addicted to it, and im loving it! ehehehe!

dad was bragging about his achievement for the day: change our van's front tires from Good Year to Michellin, and i found it very silly! ehehehe!

I was exchanging text messages with Ritchel last night, chattin about one of my former co-worker who got pregnant... tsk! She told me about this last weekend, but I still cant believe that "she" got pregnant at 18!.... appearances are often deceptive

i dont fear getting pregnant myself, but i fear gettin pregnant before im done college... i dont know if i could handle that, school and a baby.. juggling finances, time... it must be crazy! that's why i trully admire those who get pregnant at an early stage of their life and still manage to get on with their dreams.....

i learned from kathlein that a friend of hers knows Sheryll G. (my former school mate back in dubai who moved here in toronto like 6 years ago).... what a small world! and i just rememberd, being that our world is small - (my friend from gbc) michelle b.'s boyfriend's friend happened to be ate grace's boyfriend (or just a friend?)... and speaking of ate grace, she goes to the same school that i go to... she was from the same school in dubai.. although we've never meet back then, i knew her from conversations between my ex's barkadas and vice versa i guess... woah! talk about what a really small world it is!

in an hour and a half, i'll be off to work again..... *im not thrilled*

'got a call from Lani (the bitch, the villain of my soap-opera life) awhile ago.. she just wanted me to pass a message to mon.. somehow, just the sound of her voice is enough to make my blood pressure go soaring high! *wishing she was just a bad dream!* she IS the reason why tenants from bathurst and wilson are moving out, why?! ugh! i dont even wanna think about it, i dont wanna ruin my day!

although mon and i are still debating whether to stay at woodbridge or where we used to stay before, looks like we are going to end up in woodbridge anyways...

i finally got my phone bill, unfortunately...... this is the only bill that i get monthly that i wish was non-existent! why the heck does it go that high?!!! am i that bad in using my phone? sheesh!

i finally got it!

i got my Net MD! (although its not exactly what's on the picture) yehey! Mon bought it for me yesterday when we went to the store to return his home theatre system... i felt so silly, i looked so childish, jumping for joy when i got what i was wishing for!

i went to school this morning.. got my locker #0166 <-- my old locker!

i also got my GO bus form.. i was hoping to get my OSAP-thingy done, but apparently the forms were not in yet for me to sign them, probably on thursday... *wishful thinking!*

richly and i were exchanging text messages last night, topic was: me and mon..

*richly's thoughts* :: "mas masarap magmahal kung solo ka sa buhay niya"

*my thoughts* :: "reality check - it is definitely right! but its easier for someone to say it that be in my shoes........" i understand what i know, but its hard to make people understand what i know..

some cute text messages i got from mon that i still store in my phone:

what am i to you?
am i friend?
am i someon eyou care for?
am i special? am i worth your time?
if you ask me, the only thing i can say about you is...
you're what im living for!

he sent me these messages when we broke up last year...

i dont know if im a part of you.
im not even sure if you care for me.
i wont assume i mean too much to you,
but i want you to know that im just here,
waiting to be needed by you...

i really want to be close to you,
close enough that in time, ill just hold your hand
and without saying anything, you know im saying something like...
"dito ka lang, hindi ko kayang mawala ka.."

sometime i feel like im over you,
that ive learned to forget the times that we've shared,
but memories keep coming back,
reminding me that no matter how hard i try,
i still love you..

woah! look at this, im being too senti today!

im too exhausted to even type something.....

monday blues..... start of another week....
what's instore for me today?

today
If others give you their attention, treat it as something precious. Your presentation is most effective when you keep it simple and deliver it on schedule. Get a ride to your appointment and walk home later.
this week
All those ideas that have been floating around your head need to be put into action on Monday or Tuesday. You need to be direct with others if you hope to enlist their help and support. If you're always joking around people won't take you seriously. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday you're full of suggestions and helpful hints. The virtuous stars might mislead you into believing you have the answers to everyone's problems, but people may take your counsel with more than a grain of salt. Ask before giving unsolicited advice. You enjoy juggling a lot of projects over the weekend. You're comfortable having lots of balls in the air and bouncing from one thing to the next, but don't let things get out of control.

im so exhausted... but definitely not as exhausted as my boyfriend... the poor thing, tsk!
he was up all night drinking with his buddies, whom he hasnt seen for a long time.. and then just when he was about to sleep (and that was around 4am i think...), he and his mom had an argument over the phone which really pissed him off... their conversation was about his history... i know Mon was hurt, he didnt want his history be brought up and be blamed over and over again, and be nagged that he never learned and never changed for the better! i may not have known or seen what Mon had been thru, but i know that he's not the type of person that he used to be anymore and he deserves to get credit for this... it's not easy for him, i know... it wasnt his fault.... it wasnt his fault...
anyways, the poor guy, after having an argument with his mom, only had 2 hours of sleep and still fulfilled his promise that he would come with us to CNE.. i know he would have stayed at home and slept instead if i offered him to do so, but he was so sweet, he still drove all the way to CNE from Woodbridge even though he was really really exhausted....
we were actually late, an hour late. we were supposed to meet Kath and her gang at 12pm but we met at 1pm instead.. CNE is huge, jam packed with people from everywhere!! Mon won me a big Marvin the Martian by playing in one of those shoot-the-ball-in-the-bin game which sounds very easy but is actually not.. and pictures that i've taken with my Marvin are already posted on my website.. we didnt stay that long. Mon wanted to return his home theatre system that he just bought and wanted to exchange it for something better.. The store closes at 5:30pm and we left CNE at 4pm.. We tried, but we didnt make it till before the store closes.. Oh well... he can still exchange it next week....
My sisters and I stayed over his place from 6pm till 8pm.. I wanted Mon to get some rest, atleast, before he drives another 45km to my house.. We were home at 8:45pm..
Mom was pretty bitter because we didnt go to church today.. I just kepy my silence, I didnt want to make the conversation long, and preferred to have it short and sweet.
I posted our new pictures from wonderland and CNE already in my website... I couldnt wait any longer, I posted them the moment I came home.. hehehe!
oh yeah, what's my next week going to be like:
agenda

monday :: ~~fix my stuffs in the morning~~ then work 4-9pm

tuesday :: (maybe) go to school

wednesday :: work 3pm till closing

thursday :: go to school after 12pm for my orientation

friday :: work 4pm till closing

saturday :: work 4pm till closing

sunday :: put my stuffs together and move back in with mon..

.. looks pretty hectic to someone whos been soOo used to a very long summer vacation!
im starting to feel the tension on my back, running from my nape down to my shoulders.. it only means one thing........ im exhausted!
need to hit the bed..... *yawn*

.. i actually didnt feel any pressure at work tonight... surprise surprise! i managed, and i survived!
im exhausted! but im looking forward to tomorrow..
unfortunately, sheryll and her boyfriend's plan for tomorrow is screwd up because of don's (my sis's bf) parents apparently.. so sheryll is going with us instead... i pity my sister, she had planned for tomorrow for such a loOoOong time but..... but! oh and not to mention, their plan for tonight was screwed up too and due to the same reason...... tsk! this is what happens when you plan things perfectly... that's why i love being spontaneous, and unpredictable is pretty much my name!
anyways.... im really tired now, i think i should hit the bed, get some beauty rest so that way im not gonna look like a trash tomorrow.... Zzzzzzzz!
..
..
..
holy shit! it's already 12:10am.. i should really get going!

saturday work fever! im not thrilled to go to work tonight.. i bet its gonna be very busy, and boy! am i glad to be the only manager tonight! i dread saturdays.... i used to like 'em, but not anymore, not since Harvey's let me bear all the pressure of Saturday night work-load!! im looking at the clock right now and i have exactly 2hours and 15 minutes..... the clock is ticking away.....
anyways......
agenda for tomorrow:

sunday:

(what) canadian national exhibit

(who) with Kath and her sisters and Pe, and with my bf and sisters

(where) downtown Toronto

i finally got my cellphone back from my boyfriend last night... i didnt mind when he had it for almost a month, atleast i got hold of him anytime i wanted.. he got his new cellphone last night (motoral V66 <--- so cool! i wanna have one too!).. my cellphone is a trash, im hoping to change it to something hip and new..... and this is exactly what i want.... someday, im going to have you! but for next month, this is my target!

... in less than 10 days, my school will start again..
when i woke up this morning, i felt a sudden fear - fear of what if im not meant to be a nurse? what if i dont graduate from nursing (now that i have a year left before i graduate).... what if i lose interest in nursing eventually?
looking back, i've always wanted to be an architect... it was my first option when i went to UST, but i ended up in Computer Science (reason: i flew back to manila from dubai on the last week of May and didnt make it for the entrance exam .:. didnt make it in the course, and apparently, Com Sci was a new course and there were still spaces left .:. UST put me in that course instead)... i wanted to shift from Com Sci to archi during that school year, but i was discouraged by my classmates then, saying that it was like going through a needle's eye to jump from one collage to another in UST and .:. again i stayed in com sci instead..
when i came here in canada and had the chance to do what i really wanted, funny coz i felt at that time that i wanted to be a nurse, and i set aside my desire to be in the field of arts.. now that ive gone through 2 years of nursing and 1 year to go before i graduate, my interest on architecture, interior designing have come alive again! and now im scared....... do i really want to be a nurse? a nurse in my entire life?
what do i like about nursing? well, i like the scrubs that we wear, i like the idea that i know what's going on inside a human body, how, where and why.. i also like the idea that doctors and nurses project the image of being intellectual people, the challenges and tha attitude ofcourse!...

now with architecture and interior designing, i know that my hands are designed for these, but can i call this an asset or a talent that will remain hidden forever?
... gheez!
sometimes i amazed myself... i think so much that i drive myself crazy with all my thoughts!

"the love we give away is the only love we keep..
to let go is not to deny, but to accept.
to let go is not regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
to let go if to fear less and to love more.."

"no matter how badly your heart is broken,
the world doesnt stop for your grief.."

"it breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else..
but its more painful to know that the one you love
is unhappy with you..."

"isnt it sad that whe you have so much pain in your heart
and you want to talk to the only person who can stop you
from crying isexactly the same person who made you cry.."

... mon's right, "Nothing is Permanent in this world" .. That's the idea that kept ringing in my head since Tuesday nigt..

what a day....
i and mon didnt talk much today.. although he didnt tell me anything, i sensed from his tone over the phone that he wasnt in the mood since he was really tired from work...
i decided to surf the net instead, fix some errors on my website... and maybe check out Glenn's page... it hit me hard just now when i saw Rose's input on Glenn's posting area..
if some good things don't last, some don't even start... if some good things never last, some don't even start, like.... love? to b with someone? hmmmm some thing are meant to be, some things are not...

.... this.... coming from my very best friend.. i know she really meant well, i admire her for her intelligence and practicality in life... ive always sought her advice.. but this time, with this situation, i dont know... i just cant get a grip with what i should do.. every now and then i feel like i know what i want and what i should do, but once i get a hit, i feel like im back to square one again!
.... this is just confusing me!

If You're Not The One

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings,
but I know you are here with me now,
We'll make it through,
and I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand,
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away,
But I know that this much is true,
We'll make it through,
And I hope you are the one I share my life with,
And I wish that you could be the one I die with,
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with,
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it , I don't understand,
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away,
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today,
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right,
And though I can't be with you tonight,
You know my heart is by your side

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it,
I dont understand,
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way I can stay in your arms?

im done updating my website... i love the color now, not too feminine....

* the bad side of you *
GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUN 21) Your devil-may-care attitude sometimes could bring harm to yourself - you tend to live on the edge sometimes. Many of you believe that you don't deserve success, somehow feeling guilty for it. You may give others too much of yourself sometimes that you lose yourself. You may be prone to suppressing emotions as well. And at times that makes it difficult for you to accept affection and love. Advice : Work at listening to others and don't be tempted to try dare devil stunts all the time. And try doing something for yourself and once in a while, in between, doing favors for others. You're human, after all.

Problems seem to really love me for i try all the time to get rid of them and they still keep coming on all directions!

I tried to set aside my "love problems" in the mean time and so far so good... Actually, it has given me so much relief not worrying about this matter!

Pressure from work is still unevitable but im glad that everything went good last night compared to other nights that i closed.
Financial problems are my main enemy these days, well, actually, it has always been!

Im totally broke, no money and ive got bills to pay! I cant wait till I get my student loan <-- my awaited answer to my prayers! And when I get this money, I gotta learn how to budget it very very wisely!
Our tenants from our apartment in Bathurst and Wilson are planning to move out.. Little do they know, we know that they were talked to do so by Lani - the two-faced-bitch who happens to rent the studio below the apartment.. I dont understand how she can possibly live her life gossiping and talking behind people's back! I just hate her, I cant stand her! She makes my blood pressure rise! Anyways, so our tenants from the apartment are planning to move out.. Mon and I are not gonna stop them. As a matter of fact, we think its better for them to leave because every now and then they give us uncertainties whether they're gonna stay for the next month or not.. They give us too much things to worry about! Mon and I are gonna look for new tenants, and this time we would prefer a family to lessen all these troubles!
Im just thankful that we do not need to worry about looking for more tenants for the basement-rooms for shepperd and keele coz we already found people who will occupy these rooms! All we really need to worry right now is the Bathurst and Wilson... I just hope we get things fixed before my school starts!

*pondering about life*
i miss my life being a kid, nothing to worry about....

i havent been really productive these past few days...
i miss them my friends back in manila... sometimes i wonder what it would have been like if i graduated in UST with them, would our barkada still be close like before? or not? it's so much fun being with them, so much laughter.. i miss my life in manila, happy-go-lucky.. my life here in toronto is the complete exact opposite and i realized ive grown so much.. i dont thing i would have grown this much if i were still in manila, but i know things would have been easier...
* some thoughts withdrawn *

Mon and I met each other today at 9:3oam but my parents thought that i went to work and was meeting Mon later on that day.. yes, i lied, and that's because if they knew i was going with him, they wouldnt let me stay with him "that" long... i've come to realize that we've gone so far that what the hell is going on in my head that i thought of even leaving him.. his situation is definitely not an easy one, but I've accepted it long before.. being with him may not be the right thing, but what if not being with him is not the right thing either?
my parents got mad at me for being home at 11pm today... it's ok, i expected it was coming and especially knowing that I was with Mon, oh yeah, I would defintely get something from them...
but its ok... Im ok... and things will be ok...

i need to cool off........ im soo stressed out right now... i can feel it to my bones! maybe i should take a nap now....

aaarghhhh!!!! i hate work! work sucks! work sucks! work sucks!

i totally fucked up at work today!!
it got really really busy at around 7pm and i didnt expect it to be that way.. and one of my crew was on his break and he was supposed to come back at 7:35pm and he showed up at almost 8pm! fuck that!

and his excuse was..... lost track of his god damn time! jesus christ! it's not like it was JUST busy, but it was REALLY REALLY busy and i was stucked in the grill because of him when im supposed to be ALL AROUND.. this is the result of being too nice! well he's gonna get it one of these days if he continues to be irresponsible!
customers... customers.... fucked that too! why do you all come at the same time?? and if you cant wait, why dont you just eat at home!!! jesus! people are just too hard to please nowadays.... tsk!
and the last thing i wanted to happen was to fuck up my reading for my cash register! it totally slipped off my mind...! yeah, yeah, Tony said it's ok as long as the main computer is not cleared, but fuck! I dont want Joe, the big boss to find out.. he's gonna be on my case again!!
aaaarrghhhhhhhhhhh! fuck that work! i shouldnt be stressing out like this.. it's not worth what they're paying me!

another day, yet the same old story of my life...
one thing is clear now, i love mon and should mon and i end up breaking apart in the end, i dont think i could fall inlove again that fast with anyone.. it will take me time to heal...

i just got home from work.. it was busy and it didnt help me at all by being sick and sleepy... i had tons of wrong orders, but thank God none of my customers today were bitchy and stubborn..
i think Dianne is pregnant, ive noticed her gaining so much weight in a week..
I thought Tony and Julie were still dating, but i overheard Julie saying "no, not anymore"..
Mon came over at my work at around 10pm but he just stayed in his car and waited for more than hour for me.. I didnt want him to wait but I couldnt help it, I had tons of things to do before I could get out.. we talked about our plans of me moving back in with him.. I am so excited and Im surprised at myself... i know people are gonna react again with this decision of mine.. we parted ways at 1230am..

... i was tryin' to get a nap just before i go to work this afternoon but i wasnt successful.. my mind was full of thoughts...

im so confused today.. so many thoughts going on in my head right now..

DOG
For 2003 The year of the Goat
Overall forecast

Luck will not be that good this year and obstacles will occur but with a hardworking character, you will be able to overcome all problems *** oh well, atleast that is something good ***. You will still gain some direct wealth in the 1st, 8th, 1Oth and 12th months. Wealth luck will be good this year *** yeah yeah, im broke all through out the year! *** . Career will be smooth and your status will grow. It will be the best time to start small investments. Big investments will need to be planned carefully and acted upon quickly. You must not blindly sign documents in order not to suffer frauds.
When coming to problems in love, you must always remain optimistic. Do not put too much into a love relationship for it will affect your ability to work. Work with everything wisely and treat people normally. Try to exercise more to relieve stress.

Career

Career luck is smooth this year. You will gain from investments. Your business will prosper and you will have a chance to expand on it. When coming to dealing with contracts and documents, you must read through carefully before signing. You must also be very careful of evil characters when trying to change a line of business. Salaried workers should not interfere with other people's business and must maintain good relationships all around.

Wealth

Wealth luck will be very good. You will gain from investments this year but you must look after your money very carefully. The 4th, 5th and 10th lunar months will be the best months to gain wealth. Investments can be carried on and you must not miss out those good chances to earn money.

Those born in the year 1958 will have a great chance of gaining wealth. Be more alert in the lunar 1st, 8th, 10th and 12th months. You will gain a quantity of money.

Health

Due to a busy work schedule and lack of rest, your health will not be that good which shows you also need to do more exercise which will, in itself, help your health a lot. Take note of your emotions. Try to control your temper and not let them affect your mind. Spend more time resting and do some anti-stress, relaxing exercises. It is best to go for a holiday or long relaxing trip in the 8th or 9th lunar month. *** hmm... i should have thought of this a long time ago! ***

Love

You will have a chance to start a relationship with your dream lover. For married couples, you will be at the risk of Tao Hua. You must show more care and concern for each other and spend more time together. Try to solve quarrels as soon as possible for there will be a third party coming into your relationship possibly causing the relationship to turn sour.
*** Uh oh... third party? uhmm? ***

i've been waken up several times during my sleep..
my tita's ex boyfriend (?) or should i say ex-boyfriend (?) phoned her up as early as 5am and good 'ol me who had unfortunately answered this call had to wake up to get my tita..
and then there was my boyfriend - mon - who phoned up at 6am and 7am.. he's the only one who i cant get mad at no matter how many times he calls me during my sleep despite the fact that i really hate being waken up in the middle of my sleep.. he's the center of my life right now.. i've been trying to get away from him since the moment i decided to move out of our apartment.. so many thoughts about our relationship have been bugging me lately - his wife and kids, his visa and my life. I learned to love him despite his past for he has assured me so many times that he loves me more than anything and wants to spend his life with me.. he and his wife are separated and his only concern was his kids, cant take them away from him, he loves them and i understand that.. but despite all these, i cant help myself but wonder and doubt if he really is telling me the truth or all these sweet words are just mere lies to get me to marry him and have his status here in canada changed to that of a landed immigrant.. i know he loves me but does he really love me THAT much without the intent of dumping me later when he gets what he wants?
this is a mistress's life.. i have gotten so many criticisms and my heart was broken a million times, but i stood still and still continues to love my man.. "are you dumb?", "what happened to you?", " im sorry, but you know what you are right now, nothing but a mistress.." - ouch! i've been judged a thousand times.. i know it's wrong yet it feels so right... i comfort myself by just telling myself that this is my life, i feel what i feel, i know what i know and people who know nothing about what i know and feel should not bother me because they are not me... this might be the "wrong love" for most people, but what if it is the "right love" for me?

"I have come to realize that destiny could hurt a person and i find myself wondering why,
out of all the people i could have ever loved,
i fell in love with someone who is no longer free."

"sometimes we have to give up something which we can't afford to lose.
but how can you afford to lose if that something you have to give up
is the only reason why u're risking it all?"

im so tired editing my sites.... i think its time for me to get some rest...

i really like this song......

"Don't Wanna Try"

(oooo)...don't wanna try don't wanna try (try try)
(oooo)..don't wanna try no more
(ooo)..don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try

[Verse 1]
i can't believe u had the nerve to say the things u said
they hurt so bad that they ended our relationship
i can't believe it ..4 years go down the drain
oh how i wish things would of happened so differently
i try'd to save it so many times but you still couldn't see
u kept insistin' and resistin' that u would not fall again
and now u tryin' to tell me that ur sorry
and ur tryin' to come back home
ur tellin' me u really need me crying beggin both knees are on the floor
but baby i

[Chorus]
don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try no more
u keep insisting when u know our love is out the door
don't wanna try don't wanna try cuz all we do is fight and say the things
i hurt u bad to when we both begin to cry
don't wanna try don't wanna try i 'bout just had enough its been a rough road
baby just let it go
don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try no more
tell me whats the use of holdin' on when all we do is hurt our love

[Verse 2]
u and i had many conversations on the telephone
talks about one day we having a place of our own
wake up in the morning and have breakfast ready on the table
but all of that just seems so far away from me
had to wake up face reality
it all just seem to good to be true after all you put me through
and now u tryin' to tell me that ur sorry
and u tryin' to come back home
u tellin' me that u really need me crying beggin both knees are on the floor
but baby i

[Chorus]
don't wanna try dont wanna try dont wanna try no more
u keep insisting when u know our love is out the door
don't wanna try dont wanna try cuz all we do is fight and say the things
i hurt u bad to when we both begin to cry
dont wanna try don't wanna try i bout just had enough its been a rough road
baby just let it go
don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try no more
tell me whats the use of holdin' on when all we do is hurt our love

[..fading into beat]
(don't wanna try don't wanna try)
(don't wanna try no more)
(don't wanna try don't wanna try..oo)

(don't wanna try don't wanna try)
(don't wanna try no more)
(don't wanna try dont wanna try don't wanna try no more ooo)

i just got home from toronto... i and my sister went to see the doctor for our own personal reasons.. my reasons were these certain symptoms i started feeling yesterday which were very much symptoms of UTI.. I am certain since yesterday that this is definitely a UTI, and when the doctor saw me today, he asked me what my self diagnosis was, and without further examinations, he wrote me a prescription right away... feel's good to be a nurse myself, eheheh!
right after, i thought of going to mcdonald's to check if my vacation pay was already in.. i phoned the store and confirmed me that it wasnt there yet, so changed of plans.. my sister and i went to eglinton center instead to have lunch. she wanted to see "Freaky Friday", but as much as i wanted to watch too, we did not because I was broke, ehehe! so we just had lunch and then went straight home...
ive been thinking a lot lately about whether to find my own place again in toronto... hmmmm? i want to but i dont want to? sounds retarded but I dont know, something tells me i should and should not.. gheez! now i can say im a true gemini and it's driving me nuts!! oh well, i still have 3 weeks to think about this...

jesus christ! the last thing i wanted to happen just before i end my day was to have a big fight with my boyfriend about my ex-bf.. anyways, for most people it's just "yeah, yeah, so what's new?!".. actually, yeah, what's new... why cant i get use to this?! we fought and made up within an hour.. and thank God for that...

my mom just talked to me a few minutes ago and told me about my dad's ridiculous plan of driving all the way to Bathurst and Wilson just to borrow some video tapes!! jesus christ! that's more than 45km drive! my dad surprises me most of the time with his acts and behaviours... tsk!

ALL BECAUSE YOU KISSED ME GOODNIGHT

i climbed the door and opened the stairs
said my pyjamas and put on my prayers
i turned off the bed and crawled into light
all because you kissed me goodnight

next morning i woke, scrambled the shoes and polished the eggs
toasted the news ansd read the bread
i couldn't tell my left from right
all because you kissed me goodnight

that evening at last i'm my normal self again
so i picked my mom and called the phone
spoke to my puppy and threw dad a bone
even at midnight the sun is still shining bright
all because you kissed me goodnight.

i find this one really cute...

The Right Kind of Wrong
by: blackbeauty

Often the truth hurts. But when it's wrong, it's wrong. No matter how right or how good it feels.

I look at him and wonder why I'm with him. I sit beside him, shivering, my knees weak and my eyes teary. I say to myself, why me? I could have asked him that if he wasn't holding my hands so tightly, if I weren't enjoying this very moment, if I weren't afraid it might end too soon. I think again and realize that the more appropriate question is, why him?

He looks at me and gives me a peck on the cheek. Soon I'll be lost in his embrace, he'll be drowning me with kisses, with promises. And I will be longing for more. He loves me, and I love him. Simple. It feels so right, and yet so wrong.

I lay my head on his shoulder, with my eyes shut. I try to breathe in as much of him as I could. His mild scent, his warm breath. Hoping it would be enough to fill me in the days to come. Wishing it would help me remember everything about him and whatever it is that we are having. Silently praying for this bliss to end. Gently.

I wait for his reply on the other end. I hear a loud sigh... and I say my final goodbye.

I wipe away my tears and look towards heaven. You were right. There is no such thing as a right kind of wrong.

the urge to finally post again has come to me today, maybe its due to the fact that ive got so many things going in my mind right now, or simply because i have nothing to do at all!
i woke up today, wishing that everything from yesterday was gone and maybe have a new beginning, but no, it's still the same old story unfortunately..
bills, bills, bills..... budgeting has been a big problem of mine since and i cant seem to learn how to really manage my money.. i gotta pay my credit cards, my phone bill, etc and they're all due by next week.. ironically, i spend more than i earn and now im trapped.. my next pay cheque, which i will get tomorrow, is screwed! i dont think its even enough to pay whatever i have to... i cant ask my mom nor my dad for some extras coz i've decided to be "independent" somewhat, despite of my moving back in my parents house recently... i cant wait till i get my student loan!!
love sucks... it's another thing bugging me right now.. i make my life so complicated as they say... i relaized yesterday, why do i fool myself? i know it's wrong, but it feels right.. to hell with the people who will accuse and criticise, what do they care, its my life and i dont harm them...
phew! that feels good, letting it all out...