:: Wednesday, March 31, 2004 ::
current mood >>
:: Wednesday, March 31, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|.... BURNED OUT!.....| im so fuckin' busy! this is my only day off for this week and i've got tons of things to do! damn! anyways, updates! - i got a call from South Lake - CV surgery floor yesterday and they want me to come in for an interview on April 13! yikes!! excited but scared all at the same time... - i heard that the Neuroscience Pool in Toronto Western Hospital is hiring like crazy...! Im excited! i wanna work there!! - my weekend was freaking horrible! my patient assignment was crazy!! my last shift on Sunday was the worst and i was almost about ready to explode at the end of the day! - Im crossing my fingers, Im almost done with my clinical hours... next April 8! yeah baby!! hope nothing bad happens, i mean, i've heard stories that students do worst things during their last days... hope nothing like that happens to me! - my cousin Giselle had her birthday on March 30th - Happy Birthday gurL! - my cousin Michelle is getting married on May 1st... congrats in advance! - The body of Cecilia Zang was finally found over the weekend... whoever did that brutal crime deserves to die slowly and painfully! May her soul rest in peace... uhm what else? i think that's it for now.... i gotta get going going.... tons of things to do! :: Friday, March 26, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|.... achy joints....| i've been busy and i think i'll still be until i hopefully finish my hours for my clinicals - which, according to my schedule is going to be on April 8! yikes! it's coming close.... these past few days, the thought of where Im going to work right after Im done is becoming more intense.. I've done some "job-searching" already in the net... There are tons of jobs available but Im just soOo fuckin undecisive! i cant make up my mind! well, somewhat undecisive until last night.... I've laid out my somewhat "concrete" plans... and i've decided to send my resume to the following: 1. Toronto Western Hospital - Neurosurgery floor - well, i've always loved neuro, and since Toronto Western is the main hospital in this field and also since i've worked on this floor already during my 5th semester, and lastly since there is a job opening, im going to try my luck! 2. St. Michale's Hospital - Neurosurgery and Trauma - it's another Neuro floor but with Trauma.. 3. St. Michael's Hospital - Medicine floor - i was given advices by many nurses that the best floor to start when im still uncertain of what field i wanna concentrate on is to work in a medicine floor. 4. Southlake Regional Hospital - Cardiovascular floor - why not? it's close to home and i know some stuffs about Cardio now... 5. St. Michael's Hospital - Cardiovascular floor - yeah, yeah, i know, i said it before that never in my life will i work here... BUT why not? i've learned to love this floor DESPITE my preceptor... and i thought, no matter where i work, im sure there's always going to be someone that im not gonna like.. so..... so that's what i've thought about so far... im done updating my resume since last week... i just need to work on my cover letter... anyways, im starving... i dont know what to eat... got tons of things to do today - laundry, cook, clean, study.... better do something now.. :: Sunday, March 21, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|.... exhausted....| whoa! i've done a lot of my household chores already - laundry, clean our room and the kitchen, and cook our food for monday, tuesday and wednesday... damn proud of myself! ehehehe! need to work on my resume right now... later! :: Saturday, March 20, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|... lazy.....| i've been thinking these past few days....... i know, or atleast i was told by a bestfriend of mine that we Filipinos have always been family oriented... we were taught to somehow depend on our parents until almost forever, that they tend to "must" know almost everything about their children's lives even the things that should have been kept personal, or atleast they need not know.... im sorry if i fail to recognize this anymore... i do love my parents but that doesnt mean that they need to know everything that's happening to me... i've learned to become an independent person at such an early age and being in a city where "independence" is a big thing and where at the age of 16 you are given every right to decide for your own self is even pushing me to even be so... it's not a bad thing, infact it's a good thing... right? i mean when did independence become such a bad thing? i was so annoyed when my bestfriend told me a couple of days ago that i dont even care about myself and my parents anymore just because something happened to me and i didnt tell my parents... that's a complete bullshit!! for goodness sake, what kind of excuse was that?! i have my personal reason why i didnt tell my parents and she knows that... if i told my parents what good would that make?! would it make me feel better? would it make my parents feel better? would it make things better?! would it solve the problem?? i am not stupid... should my parents need to know, they will, but this is not just the right time... the thing is, i and my bestfriend no longer think the same, we no longer have the same ideas.... and im not blaming her... but i cant blame the fact either that i am influenced by and have adopted the life style of the city where i live... i wasnt even trying to force her to accept my ideas... all i was hoping to hear was "im so sorry that it happened..." but all i got was her brutal comments that i was making my life miserable... whoa, in the first place it wasnt my fault at all!! what upsets me the most is the fact that i was honest to her and told her that i was hurt by her comments and after apologizing to her she replied by apologizing in a sarcastic and angry tone... but all is said and done.... life must go on... as of now i dont have any plans of replying to my bestfriend's email.... i dont want anymore arguments... all i know is that i am happy the way things are in my life... life may not be perfect with its ups and downs but i am happy coz i am doing just fine... :: Sunday, March 14, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|... exhausted......| it's been crazy this past week... all i can say is that, life is amazing and it is indeed full of suprises, be it good or bad.. what should i say, uhmm.... 4 words to describe what has happened this week: surprising, relief, yet regret and hopeful.... let me just explain it this way.... Ever been in a situation where you dont really want this particular THING yet, but then it is given to you right now unexpectedly..? and then after awhile you eventually learn to like it, love it and wishes that it is really yours... but unfortunately you find out that it has some imperfections and this THING needs to go away and its not there to stay at all..? and then somehow you feel relieved that it needs to go because you dont really want it YET in the first place...? but you feel somewhat guilty and wishes that this THING is perfect coz otheriwse you would have kept it....? ::hon:: thanx for staying up all night waiting for my calls....thanx for staying beside me, holding my hands and hugging me when i really needed it the most... i couldnt have gone thru it by myself... i love you so much... ::kath:: thank you so much for being there... you're a true friend that i can really count on... you dont know how much i appreciate what you did for me... :: Saturday, March 13, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|... bLank.....| i'll Blog later or tomorrow... im so exhausted. :: Monday, March 08, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|... watching Dawson's Creek....| i had some good "quality time" with my family yesterday... it's been awhile since something like that happened... * we went to the church in the morning - it was a very good mass i should say.. it was very spiritually up lifting.. * then we went to the mall even though it was still early.... * then we had lunch at East Side Marios * and then we went to see Passion of the Christ - terrific movie! im back to work again tomorrow! boo!! *sigh* cant wait for ApriL! got tons of things to do today.... i'll try to bLog again later.. :: Saturday, March 06, 2004 ::
|aurora|
|... watching while you were out....| i dont know what to blog.... there's really nothing new... my mind is still filled with horryfying thoughts of my preceptor... i dont know if i've mentioned this already but i've been having nightmares about my precetor lately... i dont know if its me or my hormones, that is making me so emotionally vulnerable or maybe i've been emotionally traumatized... *sigh* what should i do? :: Friday, March 05, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|.... bLank.....| i was able to speak with my preceptor last night... i told her my issues and i was surprised that she apologized and she even offered if i wanted to change her as my preceptor... very very tempting, but i didnt (stupid me!) because i realize that if i did agree i would have to go through a lot of things - talk to my teacher, the manager on the floor, discuss this over a meeting, etc... and that's the last thing in my mind that i wanted to happen... i just wanted my preceptor to know where i was coming from and all im wishing for is to graduate! she apologized to me, (whole-heartedly? maybe? but i doubt it) and said that she didnt mean everything and that she didnt even realize i felt bad.. and she was even grateful that i brought it to her attention... *yeah right!* ok, ok, it seems like im still mad and that nothing was resolved even after all these.... i mean, i dont know if i trust my preceptor enough, knowing the personality that she has?! God! there's only one way to find out if she will indeed change - and that is to work with her again on Tuesday!! I am, surprisingly looking forward to this... i wanna know what's going to happen and this time i know i'll be stronger, if anything..... after several weeks of hiding in silence, now i've got everybody's support - my hon, my mom and my sisters, my classmates, my teacher, and some of the nurses on the floor... *sigh* what a roller coaster ride! :: Thursday, March 04, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|.... swollened-eyes....| i didnt sleep at all.... my heart was pounding so loud and so fast, the thought of my preceptor hunted me all day long and its scary!! * thanx hon for coming home from your break just to check on me... i really appreciate it... i love you so much! * thanx mom for the talk, support and encouragement... i really needed that so badly! * bessy, thanx for your support... * collete, thank you so much for your support and sympathy... i know that you know what im going through.. you were in the same spot two weeks ago.. * Jen, my sis, thanx 4 checkin out on me... i left my teacher from college and my preceptor in clinical voice messages... i figured that there's no other solution to this problem but talk things over... im still waiting for their call.... im not going to clinical tonight... im too tensed, too pre-occupied with so many thoughts... if i go tonight, i think i'll be much worst.. hopefully things work out even by just talking over them.....
|woodbridge|
|.... miserable....| i had the worst night shift ever.... its so bad i dont even wanna remember it.... all i know is that i hate my preceptor even more! i hate her! no one has ever made me feel so bad about myself but her! i was so mad and upset at her that i couldnt stop crying from the moment i left the hospital till i reach the house and until now... despite the facts from one of the nurses on the floor that i am not the first one to clash with my preceptor's personality and attitude did not help me feel any better at all! she is so bad she could actually make me feel like quitting nursing! *ugh!* i hate her so much! to my preceptor: yes, i trully admire you for your intelligence and assertiveness.. but please do not compare myself to you nor expect me to be perfect like you.. i am a student, trying to learn... please dont blame me for not knowing certain skills that you're expecting me to do coz it wasnt my fault that i never came across a situation where in i have to do that certain skills, nor have i had the opportunity to practice that skill.. please dont expect me to be a superman who can do everything in perfect timing.. please dont intimidate me coz if you're intention is to drive me away and banish my self-confidence, well, you're certainly doing a wonderful job! please dont ask me to be independent and then come dictating what to do.. please dont embarrass me infront of the patient, i do take feedbacks very well, but not the way you do it.. and can you please stop finding faults in whatever i do, or even in other people's job... does it make you feel better knowing that someone quit their job because of you? does it make you feel better knowing that you've found faults in other people's job? does it make you feel better knowing that a lot of people are hating you because of your attitude? i am not perfect, but gaddamit, i am not like you.... and things will never be the same again...... :: Wednesday, March 03, 2004 ::
|woodbridge|
|... bLank.....| for a moment last night, i thought i wasnt going to see my preceptor anymore - should the teachers at school decide to go on strike students would be pulled out from clinicals.... BUT, it didnt happen, gaddaym teachers didnt go for the strike! i think i was the only crazy being who wanted to have the teachers on strike, but hey, i was desperate... i'd wish and pray for anything just to be away from my preceptor! i was kinda upset.... but trying to cheer myself up, trying to build up some positive attitude.. i mean, i cant live like this all the time right? i need to be positive, positive, positive! and im seeing my preceptor tonight so it wouldnt help if i let this "negative" feelings linger....... *sigh* things will be fine..... things will be fine..... things will be fine...... *im praying!* :: Tuesday, March 02, 2004 ::
|aurora|
|... mood-swings again..| i woke up this morning, my mind started to fill with thoughts about this whole nursing issues on my floor and with my preceptor, my heart started pounding and my head started to ache.... and here i am feeling so down and helpless... "i wish i had a different preceptor" has been playing in my mind since..... *gaddamit!* my preceptor's positive attitude is all covered up with these accumulating negative feelings..... im so scared that i might not be able to contain the anger i feel towards her anymore and just blow up one day infront of her... God, im so emotionally vulnerable right now... i wish there was someone i could talk to right now and understand what exactly im going through... i just need someone to listen!! i need an energy boost... it's tough, very tough coz all these time i feel like i've been struggling with this problem all by myself..... Im so jealous with Collete, my classmate on the floor becoz she got her wish to have her preceptor change.... She's the only one who knows exactly what im going through right now - she knows and she hates my preceptor too... but too bad i dont get to see her that often and we dont get to chat much about what's going on lately... we are the only team on the floor..... *sigh* please please God give me the courage to go through this, just one more month! puhlease! problems.. problems! ugh! i need to pay my bills! and here we go again with money problems.... *sigh* phew! atleast pouring those feelings here in my Blog helped... i feel so much lighter inside.... *sigh* what would i do without my Blog?! i'd be insane by now! :: Monday, March 01, 2004 ::
|aurora|
|... pretty sleep...| i hate my preceptor.... she has this "know-it-all" kinda attitude and its driving me crazy! and on top of that, she has this "bitchy" attitude which..... ugh!! she's driving me crazy! i dont know how much more of her that i can take.... *please please God be kind to me!* anyways, i dont want the thought of her completely ruin my day / week... mom and i are the only beings so far here in the house.. we had a little chit chat over breakfast... and i was extremely shock to find out that my cousin (Michelle) in Manila is getting married soon becoz she's pregnant!! my God! i cant imagine her at all - the "good gurL", the "Maria Clara" with a "General-like" father.... Im in shock until now.... tsK! |
ABOUT
QUEENZ | 27 | Gemini | resides in Toronto | happily married to MON | a happy mom to LUKE MERVIN and LiANNA MEGAN | employed as an RN but presently on Maternity Leave | unpredictable | spontaneous | simple-living | hopeless-romantic | self-confessed martyr | crazy for sweet stuffs | loves trying different restos in town | amateur web-designer |
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